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I’m no fan of the metric system by any means, but I find it odd that most of the folks who make themselves fond over it don’t measure time in metric.

Perhaps it’s because conservative people tend to be a bit more festive, but I love holidays and celebrations. And I love holidays so much, I even track metric holidays, despite my contempt for the metric system. Today, for example, is my hectade — I was born x hundred days ago. (I won’t tell you the x; no need to publish my birthdate to the world.)

A person has three or four hectades every year, which makes them good for small celebrations limited to only the closest of family and friends.

Kilades, on the other hand, call for a bigger celebration than a birthday. A person celebrates a kilade about once every three years — every thousand days to be exact. They should be celebrated even more grandly than the annual birthdays of the antiquated (and very non-scientific, complicated, and imprecise) traditional system of measuring time.

Myriades (which mark periods of ten thousand days) call for a real event. A person’s first myriade happens in his 28th year. It could be considered the time when he becomes a true adult. His second myriade is in his 55th year, when he enters the elder stage of his fruitful life. A third myriade arrives in a man’s 82nd year, when he moves into true old age. Those who live into their 110th year might be blessed to celebrate a fourth myriade — a feat far more impressive than becoming a mere centenarian.

I hope you enjoy my hectade today. Celebrate your own next hectade. And when you meet people whose eyes grow misty for metric, cheerily mock them for not celebrating their own hectades, kilades, and myriades.